I’m nearly forty (how did that happen?) and embarrassed to say nearly friendless. I know how that happened. Something about nurturing and maintaining relationships, you know, the stuff that takes, well, there’s no other way to say it, time. Childhood friendships were left along the wayside with the passage of the years. I moved about ten times growing up. I even had high hopes for renewing a few old high school friendships, encouraged by that helpful friend, Facebook. Then there’s my work. Most chit-chatting I do nowadays is done via networking (which has a cold ring to it). And it’s largely superficial: “So what do you do?” Nod, nod of the head. Nothing about their old grannies or what keeps them up at night.

Making new friends is a lot of work!   

I know I’m not the only one. A common complaint I hear from my clients, especially female clients, is that they desperately desire intimate relationships. But something keeps them from forging new friendships, whether it’s due to busyness, fear, insecurity, not knowing where to look, or being a different person than when they were twenty, so much so they don’t know what kind of friend they’re looking for.

If you desire greater intimacy, connection, and fun with old friends or need new ones, here are some tips:

• Get out there and look! Most people I know pretend to have a full life in the friendship and social arena, but they too honestly long for deeper relationships.
• Join a club or activity where you will find people with the same interests as yours.
• Prioritize your friendships. Schedule time together.
• Get past the small talk, kid talk, “my life is so busy” talk, and go deep.
• Get out of the box. If you normally shop together, try an amusement park or concert instead.
• Even if you can’t get together, find other ways to regularly connect. A phone call, a card, or an email can show your friend you’re thinking of her.

 So, friends, how do you find new friends or strengthen existing friendships? Put your answers in the box below.

Romance, love, and passion are often equated with fire. They make a relationship sizzle. But like any fire, if you don’t keep the embers burning, the fire smolders and eventually dies out. So how do you keep the midnight oil burning in your marriage?

Use a starter. The starter is what gets the fire going in the first place. Do you remember when you first fell in love? What was it about your spouse that drew you to him or her? Did he mesmerize you with his flashy, white smile or witty ways? Did she have a mysterious air about her? Was it his hands clasping around yours that made you feel safe? Did she have a quirky laugh? Before I knew him, I use to admire my husband from afar. He was the bus captain of a bus route at our church, bringing underprivileged kids who couldn’t otherwise go. He had a special way with them, making them smile. They weren’t just coming to church. They were also coming to see him, to feel special in his presence. What about you? Take time now to reflect on all the unique qualities about your spouse that made you fall in love.

Toss in some kindle. Whether twigs or newspaper, the kindle is what makes the fire grow. Want to grow romance, love, and passion in your marriage? Then use kindle. Kindle can be anything that’s fun, adventurous, or spontaneous. Forgo the ho-hum marriage and spice it up. Some ideas include

• Take up a new activity or hobby together. Bird watching? Racquetball? Geocaching?
• Dare to try something exciting and memorable, such as bungee jumping.
• Forgo the old dinner and movie routine and do something out of the box. You could try dinner theater or a play instead.
• Do something you use to love as a kid. When’s the last time you went searching for unique rocks along a beach?
• Spice it up by throwing in a curveball. Create your own recipe together. Paint a canvas just the two of you, each throwing in your own imaginative elements. 

Keep throwing on the logs. Logs are the big things that keep the fire going, such as respect, support, affection, encouragement, compromise, and a shared vision. What big things are missing in your relationship? It may be that you have to travel through the dark forest of forgiveness, humility, and trust in order to find those logs. But when you do search for those logs—those essentials of any marriage—and bring them home, your fire—your love, passion, and romance—will burn brighter and hotter, especially when darkness hovers. Because dark nights will come.

So, readers, what was your fire starter? What do you use for kindle? What’s been a missing log in your marriage? I’d love for you to share your ideas. Put your responses in the box below.

Just ask Tammy. She’ll do it! Her boundaries don’t exist, or if they do, they’re trampled over. Whether it’s the PTO bake sale, making copies for her colleague, running her sister’s errands, or watching the neighbor’s kids—every Tuesday and Wednesday evening, Tammy is happy to help. Or so she says.

Truth be told, Tammy’s exhausted and just wants to crawl into a cave and die. Okay, a bit dramatic. But she really would like to go away for a while. A week or two. Well, is a month too much to ask?

Most of my coaching clients have a difficult time saying no, or drawing sharp boundaries in general. Mostly my women clients. Perhaps it’s that maternal instinct that says we must take care of everyone. Maybe it’s women’s natural orientation toward preserving relationships that causes them to say, “Yes, I will join your organization!” or “No problem. I’ll do that fiftieth favor you’ve asked!”

Man or woman, it’s time for you to rise up and shout a resounding “NO!” It’s much easier when you remember that saying “no” means you’re really saying “yes” to something else: your interests, your time, your family, your sanity.

So the next time someone asks for a favor or (for heaven’s sake!) tries to guilt you into doing or joining something, ask yourself these questions:

• Is this something I really want to do?
• Is there someone else who could do this?
• Whose responsibility is this, anyway?
• What better way could I utilize my time?
• What am I losing by saying “yes?”

Could you lose a friend? Probably not. But you could lose yourself.

So, readers, why do you think we have such difficulty saying “no?” And what’s a polite way to decline? Please share your thoughts in the box below.